One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Life is so much better after having sex.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
