Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
