Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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