My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
