How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
