If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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