I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
