VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
