If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
