i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
