Please, let me fuck your mom
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
