...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
