The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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