This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
