My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
