While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
