I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
