tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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