third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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