So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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