I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
