This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
