Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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