It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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