so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
