Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Randomize
