i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I need to sanitize my soul.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
