Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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