I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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