Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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