My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
