I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
