Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
