I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
