you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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