If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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