dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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