Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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