You made me cry and you don't even care
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
