What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
