either way he was missing a nipple.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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