Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
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That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
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How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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