I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize