The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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