So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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