last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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