is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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