his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
did i just pee glitter
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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