i wish my penis had a tongue
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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