1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
