How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
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