the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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