Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
