Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
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