Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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